I STILL haven't learned anything and I lost the program. Lots of growth in other areas have occurred though so 2011 was not a loss. In fact all the realization has me reeling....hmm no one actually reads this since I don't come online but basically I've been tested in my ability to be a friend and in my sexuality. I still haven't really done anything yet. And I'm a long ways from actually being a GOOD friend. I'm so used to not trusting others because of my sexuality. Man...that's like 7 years of denial and cover ups. And STILL the people closest to me want to shove me back int he closet. Well I'm not going! The strain is much though. I'm heavily Christian and my life has always centered around my family. Now that I'm at such odds with both those things I'm losing a huge part of my identity while having a whole new unknown staring me in the face.

There's simply TOO much to discover. Like I said it "has me reeling" @~@ I've realized why I'm so messed up at least and now I can work towards bettering myself. I even realized why I get so many negative emotions regarding art when I know it's something I want to do so badly. I wish my mom would stop blaming herself for how I am. Especially being gay. It's not her freaking fault but I get it through to her. It hurts. But I think the best course of action for now is to essentially cut ties with my family. I hold onto all these problems because I'm afraid of doing anything they aren't used to seeing from me. Better I explore myself without being watched by them.

So 2011 was a BIG year for me. It was full of realizations. The first step to personal growth. Though I hold on for the time being. Waiting for that perfect time to...walk out on my family and faith. It'll be better this way I hope. I'm going to take this plunge into the darkness in search for the light. Hopefully I'll come out the other end of this valley stronger- better.

Amen